“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.