Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
My favorite farside!!
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.