My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
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*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
when mom throws a party…
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.