hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
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I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.