I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?