My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
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I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
It be like that sometimes 😆
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.