Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.