a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
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[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”