BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
🤔😂😂
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit