“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
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I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.