If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol