My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Dance like you’re not the father
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.