Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
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I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband