Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
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*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
you gotta be faster
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
We’re all getting idioter.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.