my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
You Might Also Like
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
#growingpains
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.