real
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it