Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
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oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.