I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.