Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
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Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later: