ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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me when i see my girls butt
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.