Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place