Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.