I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Not all heroes wear capes….
where do you see yourself in five years?
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)