a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
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I have a black belt in leather
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
marvel comics have peaked
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.