We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
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if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Modded the new Gran Turismo