Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*