Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
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12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Things will get butter, keep churning
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator