*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
A Short Story.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at