paddle faster i hear baby shark
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
twitter users today:
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”