One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
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Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.