whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family鈥檚 accounts
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis鈥ut hotter because he鈥檚 folding laundry
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I don鈥檛 use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It鈥檚 like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i鈥檓 a pizza 馃檪
god: no that鈥檚-
earth: everybody loves pizza 馃榾
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here鈥檚 the thing
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it鈥檚 so nice to see that even at his age he鈥檚 learned how to use ChatGPT
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.