DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.