My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
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[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i