temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
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I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
boat question
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
and now we wait
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
A dad and his duck
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*