“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
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How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato