BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
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When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws