The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
You Might Also Like
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I’m pretty like a car crash.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends