Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
absolute chaos
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was