*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Doctors texting each other.