My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
never deleting this app.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
why am I working on Labor Day
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly