my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.