The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
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Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?