Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
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“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857