Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit