[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
sin harder.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one