My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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Me too 😆
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.