My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
You Might Also Like
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: