“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either