A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
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This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”