don’t be scared
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.. do you even science?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!